Sunday, May 15, 2011

Tibetan monk cracks Missing* case.

A Beirut/NTSC exclusive

Beirut/NTSC is more than rejoiced to inform its readers that its investigative journalism has managed to crack open the case for the missing*. For the breakthrough in the case, a Tibetan Buddhist monk will have to be thanked. Sadly for him, he shall remain anonymous as he knew about the case from this specific blog and therefore spent time browsing the internet instead of doing an all-night meditation.

According to the monk, whose story has been seconded by several other sources throughout the weekend, old Tibetan scriptures have long asserted – the translation is rough at this stage – that “in the year 11 after the 20 has gone by, add another 20 to the first month after harvest and the metamorphosis of the last shall be complete.”

The monk also added “there are six old scriptures which show the “path of the *” and which tell the story of how the letter changes to take on a new form.” Beirut/NTSC was able to get copies of the said scriptures from the International Museum of Buddhism in New York. The museum’s chief curator Pierre-Antoine Fleury remarked that “these are special times indeed in history. I have never thought I would be lucky enough to witness this.”

Dr. John Wilkinson, a Buddhist scripture scholar at the University of Cambridge who has been reached for the purposes of this article said: “What is happening is indeed breathtaking. Scriptures have affirmed that on the 20th of May of 2011 the last letter of the alphabet shall morph into a different shape and shall bring in a new era of prosperity and love among mankind.”

However, for the process to happen Wilkinson added “a great tragedy shall happen first. A disappearance of some sort. Naturally, all scholars assumed that it could not be death as the letter shall reappear again under a different – more sublimated – version.”

High monk, Rampa Lan, who is in charge of one of the biggest Buddhist monasteries in India said “that the signs are happening, and in Lebanon to be specific, is a great source of joy for us. The scriptures could not be wrong. Whereas the missing * have not yet been found, it is quite clear that they shall be but under a different shape.” Lan continued “at this time, all monks are chanting, meditating and fasting for the safe return of the letters.”

On a totally different front, more corroboration of the theory came from an unexpected source. Patrick James, best-selling author behind “2012 and the Mayan calendar” was reached by Beirut/NTSC and he assured that “there is a general misconception on the Mayan calendar. It does not herald the end of the world, but rather the beginning of a new era since the calendar is cyclical.”

“What is not known about the calendar is that an engraving was found recently in an archeological digging and was deciphered to mean “the end one is the beginning of the end and announces the end of the beginning.” Smith goes on “naturally, this has pu**led us but today, due to the disappearance of the letters, we can shed a whole new light on this Mayan discovery.”

Enthusiastically, Smith says “it must mean that the letter * in its vanishing marks a debut to the end of current era of materialistic values and environmental degradation but also signals the beginning of another time, a new beginning.”

Also commenting on the issue for this blog, astrologer Ian Hampert, whose forecasts are read thousands of people daily in a syndicated feature in American newspapers, declared “Jupiter has just moved houses, the implications of this are clear. Something big is happening. Also the conjunction of the sun and Neptune at the cusp of Aries – a very rare astrological event – also indicates that a metamorphosis is taking shape which will affect humanity for decades to come.”

No one could speak about change and metamorphosis without mentioning late author Fran* Kafka. Medium Madame Oum Hassan who has a practice in Ghbayri (a suburb south of Beirut) performed a session with the soul of Kafka and – with the help of a sworn translator – the words she uttered in a manly mid-European voice turned out to be: “I am glad that the real meaning of my works now shows. Anyone who thought I was talking about cockroaches is just plain silly. * will come out in full glory very soon.”

With so many sources converging on the meaning of this event, Beirut/NTSC hereby assures its readership at large that on the 20th of May 2011 the letters * shall reappear under a new format to be among us again.

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